I totally didn't write anything last night because I was being fucked. Literally, two sharks were mating inside my head. One would hold on to my frontal lobe for dear life while the other kept biting my cerebellum. Sharks sure can do it for along time. I had no idea. I thought it was a quick process. Kind of like with hookers and married men at hotels. Oh well, you learn something new everyday! I had a headache from those two last night up until this evening. It's still not fully gone. I can feel the two messing around in there. I'm about to eat some posters of Oprah in a bikini so they will calm down. Please don't ask where I found these pictures. I have had them for along time. They mean alot to me.
Two more days. Two more freaking days children until I'm going to explode with joy. I'm so excited. In two days the underground tunnel I have been building will be complete. It goes to the house of the political advicer for McLame's campain. It's taken me all my life. Instead of playing in the sandbox as a kid I was DIGGING. Instead of playing soccer like normal fat kids I was DIGGING, and instead of telling your mom jokes to my friends I was DIGGING. Although, those weren't jokes. I have alot of stories about your mom that are 100% true. ha, owned.
This tunnel means alot to me. More that this chicken sandwich I'm eating right now. It's very special. It has ranch dressing on it.
I'm hoping next week it will be complete. It's a long walk, but I think I can make it. Italy to Washington? pshh. cake. Apple cake. Once I'm there guess what I'm doing?... Ok, I'm not going to KILL him, thats mean. You guys are sick, wow. I was going to TP his house like a true man, but something got my attention and changed my mind. I was talking with a 25 year old single male friend of mine. He lives in a four bedroom house all to himself and is a sex engineer or something. He is looking for a college girl to drop out of school and move in with him. Message me if you hotties are interested. I'll take male applications too, just for fun. He introduced me to upper decking. If you don't know what upperdecking is it's actually really gross but SO win. It's where you do your business in the upper level of the toilet, where all the lever things are and the flusher. I wont get into details.
After I do that I'm going to ring his doorbell and hide in the bushes. I'm so badass.
On another note, I found the love of my life. It's even in a package just for me! OHHH YEAHHHH
It's probably the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Talk about a mouth orgasm. It's so yummy. The only thing that came close to this level of orgasm would have to be when I swallowed one of those vibrators that go in electric toothbrushes. I had no idea it would go down my throat I promise! I didn't even mean for it to be on when I did it. It was FUCKING nuts though. Chills down my spine and everything. I think I drooled too, and cried. I was only like two years old so it wasn't my fault. What can I say? I like to take things apart. Anyways, this red drank is so good. I recommend getting it now. Go, go to walmart and get some loser.
I did some pushups and situps tonight. I believe I did around 100 of each. No joke, I'm really that amazing. If I was joking I would be like " I did a MILLION " because I'm an asshole like that. Making skinny boys cry at night. It's not my fault 100 isn't shit for me. It shouldn't be for anyone else either. That's like swallowing for me. I do it automatically. I don't have to tell my brain to do it and I waste hardly any energy doing it. Here's my card, call me sometime and I'll punch you in the face. It's like an autograph but with blood.
I have to go now. The new Harry Potter movie trailor is out. It has alot of pedo friendly scenes that I need to go make fun of so when my friends go "HAVE YOU SEEN IT???" I can make fun of them. Makes sense right?? Right. After I watch that I'm going to go move a couple houses that are blocking my sunrise in the morning.
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