That's actually lyrics to a stupid concept song by Katy Perry. I never listen to the radio, but I did last week and this song was on. My ears haven't forgiven me yet. I'm sorry little guys. I think it will be alright.
It's been along time, I'm sorry for the three that read this. High five for that! It's a long story, and guess what? I'm going to freakin tell it. It's epic, but aparently not as epic as the purple pink polkadotted ping pong ball story. Whatever... That story pisses me off and I haven't even heard it yet. Anyways, the reason I have been goine for so long is this.
It all started when I realized I was moving back home and living in a shed in my dad's backyard. I was stoked! I mean, who wouldn't be stoked if they knew they were moving into a shed? The answer to that question is simple, sharks. My roommate, aka uncle wasn't the coolest roommate. So the day I was leaving I received a phone call. It was some guy, probably in a black suit asking if I was ready. I was like, "I'm sorry you have dialed the wrong number...". He wasn't buying it. He said he was part of the security at my college I attended last semister and I was caught stealing a bagel. I had no idea what he was talking about but I went along with it. I was curious what punishment they gave to students with zero income stealing a bagel. So he said he wanted me to turn myself in. I said ok and that was that.
That evening a helicopter arrived at my place. I would say thirty S.W.A.T. dudes busted up my shit and hand cuffed me with barbed wire cuffs... hardcore right? They blind folded me and I would say within ten minutes we landed. They took me in this room and took off my blindfold. We were in a damn bathroom... A sign said, "Thank you for shopping at walmart". To be a dick I said, "Where am I??". They said thats not important. I started busting up laughing because obviously we were at walmart. Dick heads.
Then all of a sudden they turned into talking birds. Told me stealing bagels was terrorism and I'm going to prison for life. I wasn't upset, I was just confused. I asked them why they had a helicopter if they were originally birds? Idiots.
So, they took me away. I went to some unknown prison called "Ze Ope Rah Sho". What is that? French? I don't know, it smelled REALLY bad. Like a fat walrus dead and had kids that also dead and those kids ate those kids. Horrible.
My new cell mate was named Alfando. He fondled prezzy Bush and was sent here. We told stories to pass the time. Alot of the stories were about fondling, which started to get awkward. I was transferred to a different wing after Alfando fondled a kangaroo on his one day free pass to Australia. I guess they give those out now in prison? sweeeeet.
Three weeks later I was released for good behavior. I actually just slept all of those weeks and it felt like that lasted a day. Suckers.
I get to my shed back home and find a giant spider attacking my banana's. That shit DOESNT fly in my house. Nope. I rambo'ed his ass so fast. I have it's head on my wall. Not really. My bananas were fine. It turned out he was attacking some styrofoam cut outs painted yellow. My bad.
I'm going to stop lying because thats not nice to do. I don't even know any of you. None of that happened. I did move to back home and I didn't have internet because I was remodeling my house that I live in now. Epic fail.
I was attacked by a lion today that was hiding under my car. It was actually a house cat.
Ritz crackers are yum.
I have lost five pounds since I stopped eatting at my mom's house. haha.
I have ate around four million sunflower seeds in my lifetime.
I haven't cried or thrown up since I was 11. Both equally incredible.
I haven't had Mcdonald's breakfast in about four months. I wake up too late.
I leave you with"interested cat:"
Also, the coolest kid ever.
(He's on the left)
(That dog looks sad)
(That teenager needs to NOT rub orange drink on her skin)
(If she has a skin disease, I apologize)
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