Raccoon Smiles, Dragon Tears, and Bottle Cap Giggles.

What a weekend. I totally got smashed saturday night. It was so rad. Replace I with this poor raccoon trying to play frogger. He came out of no where. It was around 2 am and it was pitch dark. All I heard was a massive SMASH, maybe a fart too. I thought the world was coming to an end, it happened so fast! I was so scared. Then I realized I hit something, probably an ape or a rhino by the sound of the SMASH. The next morning I wanted to mount the rhino's head on my wall so I took a drive to the scene of the accident ( I have always wanted to say that ). Holy shit I fucked that raccoon up. I wont get into details, I'm sure little children read this because I promise candy when I advertise. It was bad thats for sure. I couldn't believe such a tiny hateful creature could make such a loud SMASH. Whats with me and killing animals on accident? Peta better not be reading this. The last thing I need is some moron telling me I'm a murderer.

Did someone say superhero? With the upcoming Hancock movie coming out, Iron man being a kick ass movie, and batman on its way too I decided to reveal my secret. Yes, I'm batman. I know it's not "cool" to reveal who you are but I want the publicity so I can show off my vagina.

I'm gentle I promise!

Anyways, where was I? Oh yes thats right. Coffee. I decided to take Ihop's advice with their "bottomless coffee" and boy did I get served... haha get it? They served me coffee? No? :( Eight, yes thats right eight jugs later I couldn't take it anymore. Thats what? Three cups were Jug so 438 cups total? Crazy. I had to take a serious piss twice, and once when I got home. I might have some brain damage too. It was worth it though. I didn't think they would give me over 3 jugs so now I know when a waiter says he's going to kick your ass at Ihop, you better believe him! Ihop is true to their words.

I went to my wallet and discovered I had CASH! Can you believe it? A 19 year old with cash?!?! I had five dollars. I haven't seen cash in like four months. I really have no idea how it got there. I noticed the U.S. money maker people are getting creative with their prints. Is this new? I was debating keeping it because it was so pretty, but the person at the desk told me I had to pay.... Whore..

It's so pretty isn't it? Put a dress on that sucker you got a prom queen. After this amazing discovery I have drawn out what I think the year 3,000 A.D. five dollar bill will look like. Prepare yourself.

Yes thats a rainbow. A sweet rainbow.

Anyway buy a coke product and find they changed caps? Honestly what the fuck? These caps are so hard to open now. It's like trying to hold a lubricated banana in a pool of lotion. It doesn't happen. I mean, my strength is out of this world. You know the earthquake in China? That was me. I got mad at gas prices and punched the ground. I know, I'm sorry. I still couldn't open a coke bottle for the life of me. I was thirsty too. The bottle is in my fredge just chillin, probably thinking its a bad ass because he wasn't destroyed. I bet he's making fun of Andy the Ketchup bottle and Pam the BBQ sauce. Seriously, what an asshole. Andy and Pam have been good to me all these months. They don't deserve that abuse. I can't do anything about it though. I can't open that cap for the life of me. FUCK

I leave you with the hair of champions. Keep a headband on for an hour and see what happens! Do it!!!1!1! At least my face is super clean! :(